Nice Guys Don't Always Finish Last

You've probably familiar with the idea: when you're under attack, the hardest thing is not defending yourself. But the truth is that you're when you choose not to react, you're not really avoiding a fight, you're just choosing a far more familiar opponent. As Ben Zoma, a Talmudic sage from the second-century, once said: \

Who is strong? He who controls his impulses. As is stated (Proverbs 16:32), "Better one who is slow to anger than one with might, one who rules his spirit than the captor of a city."

Last night, I watched the end of "42," a film about baseball pioneer and legend Jackie Robinson. As Robinson broke the color barrier in Major League Baseball, he endured racist taunts and threats everywhere he played. It was not reacting, keeping his focus on baseball, that allowed him to succeed in the battle for equality.

Newark Mayor Cory Booker follows the same playbook. When he receives angry and profane tweets from constituents, he responds by killing them with kindness. In an article on Quartz, Max Nisen quotes some of Booker's gracious Twitter responses. They're amazing to read. Check out this one featured in the article:

1. Richard Phillips @rtpburns

   @RWwatchMA @RichNj5 @newsagg @CoryBooker Booker is corporate slime.

Cory Booker        ✔ @CoryBooker

Follow

And I think you are probably a good person. I wish you the best RT @rtpburns: Booker is corporate slime.

11:35 PM - 15 Jan 2014

So what happens when you let your anger get the better of you? No need to worry. You can still fight back. In a beautiful essay in the Huffington Post, Josh Misner tells about the time he apologized to a Delta airlines employee after missing his connecting flight. Misner's apology was not only reciprocated, but resulted in better seats on the next flight.

I guess nice guys don't always finish last.

Sometimes you're better off keeping quiet and ignoring the clock

What's worse: (A) getting interrupted when you talk or (B) getting no reaction? For Americans, the answer is probably B. While incessant interruptions can be annoying, silence can be destructive. When we speak in the US, we expect eye contact with audience members, and laughs, applause, and questions at the end. When the audience just sits in silence, it vexes us a great deal.

In some cultures, though, staying quiet while another speaks is of the utmost importance. In a recent blog post on the Harvard Business Review website, cross-cultural expert Erin Meyer tells of her frustrating experience presenting to a Chinese colleague who waited until the very end to assist in her presentation. The reason, she learned, wasn't malicious. Rather, Chinese people are taught to  sit quietly and wait until someone finishes speaking before saying anything.

The same can be said for how different cultures appreciate time. In another post, Meyer discusses the relative importance of time around the world, by comparing recent speaking engagements in the US and Brazil. In the US, the conference organizer kept Meyer on time with signs that indicated how many minutes were left in the session. In Brazil, her presentation got off to a late start, and exceeded the time allotted. But there, she was told she could have spoken even longer, given the interest of the crowd. Below is an excerpt from that Meyer's blog post:

In some cultures — such as the German, Dutch, British, Danish, Australian, and my own American cultures — we tend to value structure over flexibility. But in many of the world’s fastest growing countries, such as Brazil, India, Indonesia, Russia and Nigeria, there is much more emphasis put on being flexible than on being structured.  In these cultures strongly emphasizing punctuality signals an inability to adapt and even a lack of priorities. 

Like most people, I don't like being late. But to me, the question of when to speak and when to shut up isn't just a question of time; it's a matter of respect. Arriving late to a class is unpleasant, even disrespectful; but leaving when an instructor goes a few minutes over time is just rude. So next time you're looking at the clock, think about the speaker who's waiting for a reaction and try to come up with a good question for the end.

Toilet Paper Ads -- Brilliant or Full of ...?

To those who enjoy the bliss of the bathroom, an enjoyable read is just as important as a roll of bathroom tissue. And it is these two staples that seem to have inspired the creation of Star Toilet Paper: a startup that produces toilet paper with advertisements.

Since its founding in 2011, Star Toilet Paper has attracted a range of advertisers -- from restaurants to pet stores -- and received plenty of press (including a recent story in a New York Times blog). The toilet paper is free for merchants who use it in their bathrooms,  and the ads contain QR codes that customers can scan with their smartphones to receive digital coupons. But the company -- founded by brothers Jordan and Bryan Silverman -- hasn't generated much revenue over the past three years, according to The Times.

I suppose the reason is obvious: toilet paper is used to clean ourselves after going to the bathroom. No matter how clean a roll of toilet paper is, we associate it with its primary purpose. That's not to say that toilet paper ads don't spark conversation. At The Blue Note Grill in Durham, N.C., customers using the restrooms prefer the paper coupons over the the digital. “The toilet paper is a great gimmick for the restaurant,” the owner, Bill Whittington, told The Times. “On a busy night, we’ll see customers come out of the bathroom with a foot and a half of toilet paper, and everyone at the table will be looking at it."

The question is: what do they do with the toilet paper afterward? If they don't use it for a free dessert, I don't want to know. 

Ashton Kutcher and My Grandparents: You Don't Need to Look Far to Find Inspiration

My grandparents will always be a source of inspiration.

Earlier this month, actor Ashton Kutcher delivered a powerful speech at the 2013 Teen Choice Awards. He spoke about the value of hard work, citing his early experiences washing dishes, working the deli counter, and sweeping a factory floor. He emphasized how important it is to be a caring and giving person, and how "the sexiest thing in the entire world is being really smart." And he said that no matter where he was in his life, he always felt fortunate to just have a job.

Kutcher's rags-to-riches remarks were thoughtful and well-intentioned, especially for an awards ceremony. But for some reason, they don’t resonate with me. I guess, as we say in communications: it’s not the message, it’s the messenger. It reminds me of a scene from the famous play and film Driving Miss Daisy, where the affluent and cranky Miss Daisy tells her new driver, Hoke, that she knows “the value of a penny.” “My brother Manny brought home a white cat one day and Papa said we couldn't keep it because we couldn't afford to feed it,” Miss Daisy says. "My sisters saved up money so I could go to school and be a teacher. We didn't have anything!” Hoke responds: “Yes, but look like you doin' all right now.”

The most inspirational stories come from those who have overcome challenges just to live like us. My late grandfather fought in World War II, sold ladies’ handbags, and cared for my grandmother as she suffered through multiple sclerosis for more than 30 years. After he died, I didn’t know how she would survive. But with the help of her wonderful and equally bossy aide, and with her undying spirit, this woman who had once taught the deaf was determined to remain a part of all of our lives. I still remember her traveling in a wheelchair to Israel for my youngest brother’s bar mitzvah. Seeing her board the plane in a narrow wheelchair, and sit through the 9 hour flight unable to stretch or go to the bathroom without great help -- I just couldn’t believe how strong she was.

Usually, in life, we don’t have to go far to find out what really matters. We just have to know where to look.

Speak Softly and Post a Lot of Pics

In case you hadn't heard: text is out, photos are in. So in that spirit, I gathered and arranged the photos below to tell a story.

If you can't figure out what I was trying to say, you're not alone. Photos without any context are hard to understand. That's because, as Neicole Crepau of Clipsi.com points out: "civilization thrived when humans moved from pictographs to the written word." The written word, she explains "enabled humans to convey the same information faster and in a much smaller space."

Once language developed, it revolutionized communication, allowing us to learn by reading words. And today, those who read novels have been shown to develop greater empathy and interpret social cues more quickly. In one study, people who read novels were better at reading people's emotions just by looking at photos of their eyes. Now while that study was comparing fiction and nonfiction readers, it still shows the tremendous benefits that the written word has had for understanding images. (For more on this research, check out this article by psychologist Keith Oatley).

So  to sum up: don't give up on text. It's gotten us quite far, and it's here to stay. And if you are wondering what I was trying to say in the images above, here it is: It's sad that the world of writing is dying, and a galaxy of photos is taking its place. (If you didn't get that, I completely understand. I have to work on my pictography:)

Cancelling a Gym Membership

If you've ever joined a gym, you know how difficult it can be to leave. One gym I considered joining a few years ago had very low monthly rates but required significant documentation -- including a letter from a doctor -- to cancel a membership. When I decided not to join, the salesman accused me of using his gym for free and ripped up the contract. Needless to say, when I looked up the company, they had their own issues with commitment, as they regularly opened and closed clubs under new corporations.

So today when I joined New York Sports Club, I was surprised to hear the salesman tell me not only about the free month being offered with annual membership, but also a way to cancel that membership without incurring a $150 fee. (If you're curious, it just requires downgrading from an annual to a monthly fee which has no cancellation fee).

Why would a salesman, who is trying to get me to join, explain how I can leave? One word: empathy. Just as we appreciate the ability to return items we bought, we value services that allow us to cancel at any time. It shows that the person who is taking our money is human, and understands that by choice or circumstance, we may change our minds. That's why cell phone companies have changed to monthly plans with no contracts, and why companies like Zappos and Shoebuy offer free return shipping. Offering people the option to reconsider shows empathy for customers, who in turn feel a greater sense of power and ownership over the sale. Put simply: if you want to draw someone in, make sure you give them an out. 

Top 10 Reasons Why Lists Are Listless

If you haven't noticed it yet, lists have become among the most popular posts on the web today. Mocked by some as "listicles", loved by others addicted to BuzzFeed -- for now, they are here to stay. As readers, we like lists for a variety of reasons, including our increasingly busy lifestyles and our preference for finite and easily remembered facts. Content producers adore lists because they increase their sites' SEO rankings. For a great top 10 on why lists are popular, check out this list from NPR:)

So in that spirit, I am going to give my top 10 list for why lists are listless. But so I don't sound like one of the top 10 hypocritical bloggers of 2013 , I will write my thoughts in a short essay:

Lists are listless because they're lists. In a mobile minute, the "best" lists tease us with ways to improve ourselves or laugh at others. But as quickly as we share them on Facebook and Twitter they're forgotten.Who remembers the "Top 10 Ways to Lose Weight Without Dieting"? (How does that work again?) Or the "Worst Five Hairstyles of the 2012 People's Choice Awards"? The best way to write memorable content is simple: take one item from your next list and write about it. You and your readers will be happy you did for more reasons than you can ever list.    

Inventing Company Names

The Wall Street Journal had an interesting story about the challenges of naming startups when the availability of domain names drops everyday. Many entrepreneurs, searching for short URLs, have used their to imagination to invent their company names, such as Kaggle, Mibblio, and Zaarly.

The creative names are part of the mentality of today's entrepreneurs, who are breaking all the rules as they follow their dreams. In a sense, that's what the startup is all about: creating not just a business but a home that expresses who you are. Entrepreneurs today want casual offices with ping-pong tables and free food and drinks. They want employees to love what they do, and share in the company's success. Most of all, they don't want to be bound by the established norms. They are ready to be part of a new world, where anyone with a dream, a strong work ethic, and access to cheap programmers overseas, can become a successful CEO.

So to all those doubters, beware: my company, www.dhfmanfrauec.ly is launching soon.  
 

Prison in Dubai for Extramarital Sex: Human Rights Violation, or Something Else?

Abraham Lincoln's honest and direct communication was key to his success as president.

The United Arab Emirates (UAE) has a reputation as one of the more modern countries in the Arab world, and Dubai is known as one of the most beautiful cities in the Middle East. But recently, a Norweigan woman who reported being raped in Dubai was sentenced to 16 months in prison, according to a report by cnn.com. Among the charges brought against her: having sex outside of marriage. The Norwegian foreign minister has said the conviction of the woman, Marte Deborah Dalelv, is "contrary to fundamental human rights" and could hurt Norway's relationship with the UAE. The story goes on to cite other examples of the UAE's human rights record, including three other foreign women, who reported being raped there and were punished with fines or jail time. All of this got me thinking: why do we call them "human rights violations"?
  
Obviously, "human rights" are a convenient way to categorize any number of acts that we consider immoral and inhumane. They are a euphemism that makes acts like imprisoning rape victims seem like a legal and political issue. But at a certain point, I think they do a disservice. A little specificity can go a long way in communicating your values. Norwegian officials could put it this way: "This is an atrocity that threatens the safety of all women in Dubai. We cannot sit idly while foreign women report being raped and are then jailed for extramarital sex. If the charges against Marte Deborah Dalelv are not dropped immediately, our relationship will soon end."

From a diplomatic perspective, this might be a little too aggressive for Norway's taste. But from a communications perspective, sometimes you just have to be a little direct.