Is Negotiation Ethical or Exploitative?

Is negotiation ethical? Before you answer that question, think of all the times you negotiate with friends and family without even knowing it.  Pizza vs. sushi; watching football vs. going shopping; sitting on the couch vs. doing laundry.

But then, think of the time you learned that your friend spends $400 less a year on cable and gets the same level of service. Or consider how you would feel if you found out a younger colleague who does the same job as you at work is making $25,000 more a year. 

Whether you like it or not, negotiation is part of life. And while it feels great when you make deal, it feels horrible when you've been exploited. Since September, I have been taking a class on Negotiation at Baruch College, as part of its part-time MBA program. Each week, we split up into pairs or teams to improve our skills through timed negotiations. Contrary to popular belief, you don't need to be aggressive or pushy to win. In fact, it is quite the contrary: planning, listening, and at times remaining quiet will often help you reach a more successful outcome. Still, no matter you negotiate, at the end of the day, there are often repercussions than can last far beyond the agreement.

When you learn that Frank bought the same car for $5,000 less from the same dealer, you're upset and will likely change your behavior the next time you buy a car. You might even see it as a competition, and be angry at Frank for "beating you" and jealous of his ability to secure a better deal. The same is true of receiving money, whether it be a peer's higher salary or a sibling's greater inheritance.

When I debated this question of ethics with someone recently, I was told I was a communist. That was a bit harsh. So we negotiated, and agreed I would be deemed a socialist. But just so I don't feel like I got the raw end of the deal:  socialism, despite its historic misuse, still helps millions of people around the world get free healthcare and education. Of course, whether those systems are truly free or ultimately helpful will be our next debate, and hopefully we'll be able to reach an agreement.

Selling to the "Singletons"

People who live by themselves today are not alone. That's because 32 million Americans live on their own, including about half of all adults in New York City and Washington D.C. So we should find out what's wrong and push them to get married? Not if you want to make money. As Eric Klinenberg, a professor of sociology at NYU pointed out, these single people (whom he dubs "singletons") are spending more than those who are married. The average singleton spent $34,471 per capita in 2010, according to the federal Consumer Expenditure survey. Married people without children spent $28,017 and the highest-spending married people with children spent $23,179 per person. Klinenberg, who wrote the book Going Solo: The Extraordinary Rise and Surprising Appeal of Living Alone, wrote in Fortune last year that businesses are already targeting this growing demographic:

Home-improvement giant Lowe's (LOW) released a TV advertisement featuring a lone woman who is renovating her bathroom. Iconic car-brand Chevrolet ran an ad in which a single woman responds to a bad date by going for a drive in a Malibu with a female friend. Even DeBeers, which long pitched its diamonds as the embodiment of a couple's romantic bond, has sold a "right-hand ring" for unmarried women who want to treat themselves to elegant jewelry. Singletons are a rising presence -- and American business has only begun to respond.

So how should this affect our communication strategies? Here are a few ideas:

Target market: You often hear candidates running for office talk about middle-class families struggling to survive. But that excludes millions of people living on their own. Forget families or singletons: just call "them" people, residents, or men and women.

Logistics: Some people don't like communal tables at restaurants, but I do. If the goal is merely cosmetic -- i.e. to avoid the embarrassment of sitting alone -- then make sure you have a plethora of electrical outlets for mobile devices. If you want a more social atmosphere, then people at the table need to order together and share dishes. Not easy, but it works at places with great food in the south, like Buckner's Family Restaurant.

Message: Focus on the universal benefits of your product or service. Eat Life cereal because it's healthy and tastes good (not because Mikey likes it). Use this Ocean Breeze soap because it makes you clean. (Great thinking from Kermit the Frog). Even diapers today could be changed by a single man as easily as a married woman. So don't pigeonhole yourself. Use people, instead of family members, to communicate your message.

Do you have any ideas about how to reach, or not exclude, the growing market of people who live alone? Please share them below.

Ashton Kutcher and My Grandparents: You Don't Need to Look Far to Find Inspiration

My grandparents will always be a source of inspiration.

Earlier this month, actor Ashton Kutcher delivered a powerful speech at the 2013 Teen Choice Awards. He spoke about the value of hard work, citing his early experiences washing dishes, working the deli counter, and sweeping a factory floor. He emphasized how important it is to be a caring and giving person, and how "the sexiest thing in the entire world is being really smart." And he said that no matter where he was in his life, he always felt fortunate to just have a job.

Kutcher's rags-to-riches remarks were thoughtful and well-intentioned, especially for an awards ceremony. But for some reason, they don’t resonate with me. I guess, as we say in communications: it’s not the message, it’s the messenger. It reminds me of a scene from the famous play and film Driving Miss Daisy, where the affluent and cranky Miss Daisy tells her new driver, Hoke, that she knows “the value of a penny.” “My brother Manny brought home a white cat one day and Papa said we couldn't keep it because we couldn't afford to feed it,” Miss Daisy says. "My sisters saved up money so I could go to school and be a teacher. We didn't have anything!” Hoke responds: “Yes, but look like you doin' all right now.”

The most inspirational stories come from those who have overcome challenges just to live like us. My late grandfather fought in World War II, sold ladies’ handbags, and cared for my grandmother as she suffered through multiple sclerosis for more than 30 years. After he died, I didn’t know how she would survive. But with the help of her wonderful and equally bossy aide, and with her undying spirit, this woman who had once taught the deaf was determined to remain a part of all of our lives. I still remember her traveling in a wheelchair to Israel for my youngest brother’s bar mitzvah. Seeing her board the plane in a narrow wheelchair, and sit through the 9 hour flight unable to stretch or go to the bathroom without great help -- I just couldn’t believe how strong she was.

Usually, in life, we don’t have to go far to find out what really matters. We just have to know where to look.